My Soulitude

Neither monk nor mundane!

(Photo by Boxed Water Is Better on Unsplash)

Let me share an embarrassing secret. You know what, I have always found more joy in so-called “frivolous” things of life than the reasonable, logical and useful ones.

Having a “good” life for instance. A palatial house, a big car, a husband (I do have a husband by the way), kids, flourishing career and the ever-fluttering social life. I may have wanted this good life but never chased it.

My joy mainly comes from having a free life, both time-wise and money-wise. The freedom to live my day the way I want to. I take pride in being an aimless wanderer, plucking the joys and sorrows of a mundane, ordinary life. 

Watching the sky when I want to, dancing with the flow of life without a routine and having spaces in my day to accommodate the unplanned.

(Photo by Yeshi Kangrang on Unsplash)

I keep swindling between wanting this “good” life and a “free” life, with the balance always tilting towards the latter. I aspire for a life with minimal needs, capsule wardrobe, fasting or eating once a day, chanting and meditating while walking in a garden, chasing sunsets, stars and solitude. More of a monk life.

I am neither a monk who have control over senses and the courage to embrace renunciation, nor am I deeply involved in the domesticated and earthy life that I ideally should be. I am a creature neither of the material world nor the spiritual. I am caught in the middle. You understand the predicament?

That’s the prime reason my life is “frivolous” so to speak. I do nothing that adds value to someone’s life. I am often busy entangling mine most of the time than helping someone with a good cause.   

I often converse with universe saying, “Please show me the way forward. Am I on the right path? Guide me towards my life purpose,” and this is what universe has bestowed me as of now. A life devoid of any purpose as per so called “societal rules.” Except one.

The purpose to know myself. Who am I? Why am I here? And the mundane existential questions, which have stayed with me since childhood and are the only constant. My quest to live and know life beyond the obvious. Of being more of an observer than an active participant. Which means my physical actions are limited but feelings and experiences many.

I am a half-baked creature of both the worlds, who belongs to nowhere.  I hope, fingers crossed, that this phase is just a stepping stone to jump onto something more meaningful.  Till then, I am taking and giving the pain for being such a creature.

Life is such an inter-connected play of energies that you can be nothing if the universe doesn’t support it. And that’s my only solace in being where I am. That it somewhere, even if an iota, is universe’s small plan in the larger scheme of life. For life is too vast to be summed up in this body and in this life. This life is just a cog in the wheel, a journey we are taking towards the higher goal.

I hope I soon find myself in a place where I need to be. Fully.


(PS: I am privileged, highly privileged as life allows me time and space to have such thoughts. This comes only when you are not the bread-earner of the family and someone else is taking care of life expenses. I am highly indebted to people in my life, who make money and allow me the freedom to explore my idiosyncrasies.)

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